Turnpike Prank

So I haven’t posted in a few days. I guess I ran into a little writers block coupled with a bit of stress outside of my blogging pursuits. To tide you over, I present the following link from a boston based web comedian, John Hargrave.




Very funny stuff…a prank involving the Massachusetts turnpike authority. Well worth the read.

Patrick OUT!!!


I LOVE these posters

Not so uncommon

I know at least a few of you are probably expecting a Michael Jackson/ Farrah Fawcett post. Not gonna happen. I will say I appreciate both of their respective talents but also have serious problems with the way they lived their lives and the examples they set. On to other things.


Ed Yong over at “Not Exactly Rocket Science,” is perhaps my favorite science blogger (a close second would be PZ Myers over at Pharyngula), and he wrote a really excellent piece analyzing a paper on why some female seed beetles (as a side note: I continually incorrectly spell this as “beatles”…damn you fab four!) actually prefer inferior males. So this should be pretty striking stuff because evolutionary theory says this probably shouldn’t happen. We should be destined to pick the best mates possible and in this case it seems that might not be the case. One might say this was a unique phenomenon in the animal world…I don’t think it is. What other species you ask? Ah…the oft studied…H. sapiens.

Women of this species in fact routinely favor inferior males for their exploits…these males are often known categorized as a sub-species…H.sapiens douchbagerus (HSD). HSDs are often characterized in large group of similar individuals and have been known to inhabit casinos, frat houses, and the jersey shoreline. They can be positively identified through conspicuously popped-up collars (sometimes multiple collars for the alpha-male HSDs) and a talent for any number of drinking games (I never understood drinking games…why do you need a game? If you want to play a game why don’t we play monopoly…we can drink at the same time if it suits you). Lesser HSDs often trail greater HSDs trying to imitate their behaviors and manner of personal adornment. Otherwise reasonable females have been known to prefer HSDs, often mistaking them for suitable mates…at least until the next morning. This strange evolutionary phenomenon has been postulated to be a direct effect of over consumption of alcohol and the aggrandizement of a lack-luster high school sports career.

Researchers unsure if they are looking at a member of the HSDs should look for the following signs. “Tribal” tattoos are often used between HSDs to identify one another. Excessively clean Jeep Wrangler (seriously…if you have a wrangler and its not dirty…you didn’t need a wrangler and you are probably a douche). Gold chain necklace (unless you got real ice and grillz to go with it…leave that shit at home). Live strong bracelet. For those in the new England area, the fake boston accent…we all know you’re actually from Winchester and not from Southie.

If you encounter an HSD in the wild the first thing you should do is leave the bar you’re in. Check yourself and your friends to make sure that none of you has been contacted by an HSD already (they breed like ZOMBIES) and quickly exit the bar (where else would you see them?). Go someplace that doesn’t have PBR and a continous stream of O.A.R. or DMB and call yourself a man. Patrick OUT!!!



Silence is the Enemy

Gonna get serious for a minute here…




So the blogosphere has been pretty active recently responding to calls for increased attention to the enormous problem of rape in Africa. A recent study has concluded that upwards of 25% of men in South Africa have raped and 46% of those have done so on more than one occasion. Even more scary over 26% of those men said that they committed their first rape under that age of 14. These are children committing one of the most despicable crimes imaginable and they do so with virtual impunity in a country that doesn’t hesitate to look the other way. The problems in a society that looks at gang-rape as normal are clearly many and the question of what can we do is obviously large. There are numerous advocacy groups already established including doctors without borders, human rights watch, and physicians for human rights that are all doing good work to try and bring attention to this problem and to provide medical care to the victims. Please consider donating to these worthy causes. Patrick OUT!!!


Tinted Window

Tinted Window-Wikipedia

So I just came across the Wikipedia page for this band (don’t ask how), Tinted Window. The line-up is pretty diverse but is a modern “supergroup.” It includes members of Cheap Trick, Fountains of Wayne, and the Smashing Pumpkins…oh…and…HANSON. What?!? I thought Hanson was outlawed in the 90s. Seriously…why would actual musicians from the likes of the smashing pumpkins and cheap trick ever associate with a Hanson brother. Has the world gone crazy…did I miss a major resurgence in Hanson popularity and/or talent? This has shaken my faith in the music industry more than  Britney spears last album. No wonder the rest of the world hates us (of course they seemed fond of David Hasselhoff…so what do they know anyways). Patrick OUT!!!





A VERY interesting post on the use of acupuncture and its political implications. Also just a few more reasons why the Chinese government shouldn’t be trusted to take care of its own people and Chairman Mao…SUCKS. A bit long but a good if not disturbing post. Patrick OUT!!!


Box of Chips Pays for Prostitution

Oklahoma prostitutes are apparently willing to work for peanuts…actually chips. Lahoma Sue Smith was arrested and fined more than $1000 after, officers claim, she accepted a $30 box of frito-lay chips in return for her “services.” Now I’ve never been a prostitute nor been with a prostitute but that doesn’t seem like quite market value to me. Now if he had thrown in a case of coke to go with it…well that’s a different story. Either that or they were some damn good chips…maybe those really crunchy kettle cooked kind? But would I sell myself for some sour cream and onion? Probably not.

If I was peddling my wares for foodstuffs I would need something quite a bit better than chips. Maybe crab legs? Chateaubriand would probably get me goin’. At the very least a bottle of DP would be required and no, I wouldn’t share. Luckily my career path should steer pretty clear of all that; unlike a friend of mine who sold his plasma in grad school for the free cookie and $30, I’m not quite there yet. I wonder if he would have taken a whole case of chips instead of the cash? Patrick OUT!!!




Elderly Drivers Again


Man, 83, Lands Plane on Expressway


So once again we have an elderly driver putting the public at risk…he couldn’t even find an airport for pete’s sake. I’m now calling for yearly retests of pilots licenses for people over 75 yrs old. Patrick OUT!!!


Things are heating up

I’m gonna make a quick list of the people I’m especially glad not to be

1.       Eric Roberts – think of all those awful movies he’s been in

2.       Manny Ramirez – losing all that money and part of your gender

3.       Timothy Geitner – in charge of the treasury is not a great place to be right now

Last but not least…Barack Obama. Seriously…this shit is hitting the fan all over the globe and I really hope we get something more than “hope.” “Change” might be ok though. We’ve got the N.Koreans getting ready to launch a missile to Hawaii. Al queda saying they wouldn’t hesitate to use a Pakistani nuke on the US. Somalia declaring a state of emergency and asking for help from the “International Community” in fighting the islamists as they take over the government and try to install sharia law (please world…not another one). Troops getting ready to pull out of major Iraqi cities. And a domestic health care debate like never before. Yikes…and you thought your day was rough. The worst part of my day was the weather.

Note to self…don’t run for president any time soon. Patrick OUT!!!


P.S. people I wouldn’t mind being…the board of goldman sachs, ready to report the highest profits in the company’s history and receive immense bonuses because of it.


Dad's Day Dinner

Today being fathers day, the family went out for dinner. To protect the innocent I'm not going to say where we went but I am going to give a recap of the experience.
To start off, we met our hostess who must have been on some sort of medication (or should have been) because she was moving at about 300 miles an hour in her seating duties. Of course we waited to be seated so I'm guessing it was all just a bunch of hand waving. After about 15 minutes they called us over and showed us to our table. On the way there we passed through a veritable zoo of young children. I should say that as a general principle I am all about some day having children but every so often I get an experience like this where I question my own sanity for thinking like that.
Of course it wasn't just the children that were in this particular zoo. A grown woman staning at her own recently vacated table as her family walks away...devouring the very last traces of her oreo ice cream dessert thing. I can only hope that she never goes over seas because she will be the new reason that the rest of the world thinks awful things about americans. As we passed her, I made sure to keep my arms close to my body for fear that they might get too close to her mouth.
Finally we sat and were greated by our very capable server with a very pronounced accent and loose grasp of idiomatic speech. We placed our orders for both food and drink at the same time. We then waited for around 20 minutes before salads came...in WARM BOWLS. I hate the salads in warm bowl thing...they should always be in COLD bowls or at the very least room temperature bowls. These things came right out of the dishwasher and were immediately filled.
About 30 minutes later (not exagerating) we finally got our drinks. This consisted of two beers, one cocktail, and a juice. Then we also had 4 waters with it as well. How many straws would you think we needed for all that. Our waitress thought that nine was a good number. Straw for water...check. Straw for beer...check. Extra straw...check. Did I use the straw for my beer you ask? Yup...best to not let things go to waste.
Then our food came (minus an appetizer that we ordered)...everything was pretty good so that was a bright spot. Service was continually slow and the whole thing took almost two hours. Yikes...not going there again any time soon. Patrick OUT!!!

Sometimes its just too easy...



So a woman in Queens NY has burned her child in an attempt to drive out evil spirits with a voodoo ritual. I probably don’t need to say it again but…religion makes people do crazy things…might as well abandon faith…yada yada yada…

Patrick OUT!!!



What a Pair

For more than 4 years now, I’ve been taking the same route to work every day. Its funny how you can drive it so many times and not notice things along the way. Today, due to road construction, I was caught in a bit of traffic in an area of shrewsbury that I normally fly through. Whilst there, I noticed a video store which I had seen before and realized for the first time that its not the little mom and pop independent video rental place but rather its an “adult” video store. No biggie…but on either side of it are a uniform supply house (I’m guessing from the signage that the video store might sell similar if not a bit smaller uniforms of the same ilk) and the great American flag company.

I think there is something really spectacular about having a shop for porn and a shop for Americana right next to each other in the heart of shrewsbury. It says a lot I think. Really its just convenient because now on those lonely and patriotic Saturday nights, I really only need to make one trip. How convenient is that? I can celebrate the first amendment by buying all the hemaphorodite midget clown porn I want and then wrap myself in a red white and blue bunting. Yes sir…we live in the best country on earth. Patrick OUT!!!



Pulling the Trigger

So I finally did it. I bought a motorcycle. Delivered yesterday afternoon and already took it out for a spin. It is AWESOME. Of course its now going to sit unused for a good week or so because we are looking at 40 days of rain here. I’m just hoping that July is beautiful and sunny and that I’ll be able to get a lot of time in. Thats really all I have to say about all that…perhaps pictures later. Patrick OUT!!!


Anonymity on trial

Blogger Anonymity

A high court on Britain has ruled that bloggers do not have the right to anonymity that they have enjoyed for so long. It comes after the case of a police constable was writing sometimes sensitive details about actual cases. The Times of London wanted to reveal his identity and now they are able to do so.

This is one of those things  that I hope stays on the other side of the Atlantic. Whilst we are guaranteed the freedom of expression by our bill of rights that guarantee only carries sway with governmental action. The realm of the internet and the anonymity therein allows for even the most unpopular or controversial views to be voiced. This is the most important breakthrough of the technological age. The unhindered sharing of information and views just got a little bit harder in the good old UK.

For certain, I am able to hide behind a certain veil of anonymity here in this forum (though many of you know me personally) but the security of that anonymity is always on my mind. The literal freedom of expression that it allows cannot be understated and is crucial to not only my own little corner of the internet but also to much bigger fish out there on the interweb.  

Hopefully the brits will figure this all out and reverse the decision and realize what an important facet of modern communications web anonymity has become. Patrick (possible pseudonym) OUT!!!


Time for a test

A little girl was struck and killed by an elderly driver yesterday. The young girl was in a crosswalk with her father and was hit by a woman in her 80s who couldn’t see the young girl. Finally now, lawmakers in the state are considering measures to require retests of drivers. The bill however would only require new road tests for drivers over 85 and only every five years. Not good enough. Things can deteriorate far faster than that…vision (already tested…though apparently not well enough), mental acuity, reaction time. Each of these things can make an elderly driver a ticking time bomb and its time that we had some lawmakers who were willing to stand up for what is right in the face of the political backlash from offending older voters.

I think that rhode island gets a bit closer with an age cut-off of 75 and eye tests every two years (rather than 10 yrs. in Mass.).

Of course there are the standard cries of discrimination to which there is only one answer. You bet. In regards to handing out licenses we should discriminate against people not fit to drive. So yes…I’m in favor of discrimination, not against the elderly but amongst anyone not fit to drive. If you’ve been diagnosed with macular degeneration at 40…guess what, you should come in every two years too. Have a history of LSD or huffing glue (brain damage)…road tests for you too. DUIs…just take the license away and don’t bother coming back. Patrick OUT!!!

Me and the Open Road

I think it might finally happen...after 7 years of seasonal motorcycle affective disorder (SMAD)…I’m on the cusp of putting up a down payment on a brand new (maybe last year’s model but still new) Kawasaki Ninja. A crotch rocket for sure (sorry Mel) and a boat load of fun guaranteed (still trying to get that in writing). I’m pretty excited about the prospect of me with a new open wheeled vehicle to tool around on. Internally I justify it to myself as being a sound investment (keeping miles off my car) and an environmental activity (these things get better than 60 mpg).At this point, I have a quote on a bike and insurance from a couple of different places and now I’m just searching for the best deals. More to come later. Patrick OUT

Beware of the "O"

I kinda need to get this out in the open…Oprah is full of shit. Seriously never take advice from this woman…ever. Not on what books to read, what to eat, what to wear, and especially not in medical practice.

Newsweek: Why Oprah could make you sick

OK, I feel better now and I didn’t even need bioidentical hormones to get me there (read the article you’ll understand). Patrick OUT!!!

Swine Flu...really?

After many weeks the World Health Organization (WHO) is finally set to officially declare a pandemic in regards to the H1N1 virus (swine flu). Isn’t it a little late? The declaration of a pandemic means new guidelines and assistance will be available to member states to try and contain the geographic spread. Of course for them to call a “pandemic” means that the virus has already spread to a wide number of countries beyond the scope of reasonable containment policy. Wouldn’t it be more effective to act quicker in the initial stages to try and prevent outbreaks.

On the other hand, with a mild virus like this (not much worse than standard seasonal influenza) is it even necessary to call a pandemic. I mean every year people in lots of countries get the flu and we don’t call pandemics. People die from it each and every year and no one bats an eye. What’s the difference here? I think by everyone’s account the whole thing has been blown out of proportion by the media and yet it remains a story. Shit…I’m perpetuating it here…Patrick OUT!!!

OK not really, but seriously why is it that the WHO (with some pretty smart people in charge) is taking the time to lend credence to the idea that we are facing a massive lethal outbreak of disease. Its time for them to focus on things that are more pressing and forget about this nonsense and chalk it up to dodging a bullet. It was good practice but lets cancel the fire drill before we waste too much more time. Patrick OUT!!!



THREE really excellent links for today


An Open Letter to the Human Resources Department of the Super Friends


An Open Letter to AmEx


Reserve a Spot in Heaven


That should keep you all going for a bit.

Patrick OUT!!!


Dignity doesn't get old

Just got back from lunch at one of my favorite spots in Worcester. While we were there, a large group of elderly men and women was there with a couple of what seemed to be support personnel. I would guess that most were in their late 70s or early 80s and many were in wheelchairs or had other assistive devices. We sat somewhat close enough to them such that I could overhear the conversations between the support staff and the patrons. They were being spoken to like children, in that most patronizing of tones. Its not the first time I’ve heard this happen and its not the first time that its disgusted me. Certainly these people are old…they may need more help than the average person to do a variety of mundane tasks. They might even be edging on senility BUT they are NOT children. They deserve to be spoken to with respect at the very least and perhaps even with admiration.

While we’re on the topic, the mentally handicapped deserve the same treatment…why would you talk to them like children and demean their existence. Even if their mental capacity is on par with children is it not enough to acknowledge the fact and move on, that we need to reiterate it with every verbal exchange? Speak to them as you would speak to you me…you do not increase a person’s understanding with a patronizing tone of voice but rather you establish your misunderstanding of their plight in the first place.

I know that when I’m 70 something, I’m not going to take too kindly to anyone speaking to me in that manner. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that when I get that old, I’m the guy people say is “sharp as a tack” and “isn’t that amazing.” Assuming I’m at that point…I will certainly be giving you a piece of my mind if you play that shit with me. So next time you’re talking to grandma…watch your mouth and think about how you sound and who you’re talking to, because pretty soon its gonna be you. Patrick OUT!!!


Better watch out...

Massachusetts General Law Chapter 272 Section 36


I swear to you…I didn’t know it was against the law. I think I’ll be more careful in the future. To you, dear reader, please don’t turn me in.

Patrick OUT!!!



How can this be real

Two American reporters have been sentenced to 12 years hard labor in North Korea for allegedly crossing into the country illegally from China. This is straight out of a Hollywood script…two attractive idealistic American journalists captured by the evil north Koreans and thrown into a dank prison destined to break rocks for the rest of their days. At this point, we would probably need to throw in a nuclear stand-off (almost already there) and perhaps a handsome Jack Ryan-esque CIA agent to spice things up with a rescue. Probably a car chase in there too. Instead out actual response will be a lot of hand waving and maybe an embargo or two of American goods. Not quite as exciting as the summer blockbuster version and I’m not sure it will be quite as effective. I also don’t really see what N.Korea gains from the whole thing. Are they trying to further the common understanding that they are an ass-backwards dictatorial regime that mistreats their own people and doesn’t want to play nice with the rest of the world. Do they want to stand up to the US by imprisoning 6 ten-millionths of the population? I mean seriously…whats the point…wouldn’t it be better to show some goodwill and let them go with a slap on the wrist rather than try and escalate matters over something so trivial. Besides all that…who sentences prisoners to hard labor anymore? Are we back in 1930? Of course given that “Members Only” jacket that Kim Jong –Il likes to sport…his ability to keep up with the times seems rather limited. Hope they figure this shit out soon. Patrick OUT!!!


Side Note: The Framingham TAB  seems to think I deserved a promotion. Gotta read to the end for the good stuff.




Cheney more popular than Pelosi

Seriously…click the link and see for yourself.

That must really ruin Nancy’s day. To have a poll first off that seeks to make that comparison in the first place and secondly to find that a guy who organized an ill thought out invasion of Iraq, shot his friend in the face, and cozzied up to corrupt CEOs is just a bit more popular than you are. Yikes, that could drive me into therapy. In the picture I saw, Nancy did seem to look a bit surprised…of course she always looks surprised. Side note: if I ever have kids making funny faces at relatives and the like, I’m going to bring out the old, ‘if you hold your face like that long enough it’s gonna stay that way’ and then I’ll point to pictures of Pelosi as proof. Sometimes she reminds me a bit of skeletor from he-man and he reminds me a bit of the danny devito’s “The Penguin” from that awful batman movie. Imagine the evil villainy that they could come up with as a tandem! Scary…

Patrick OUT!!!



Me Being Even Handed

So apparently it goes even further into the US. When asked by a reporter, “How should Jews treat their Arab neighbors.” His response

“I don’t believe in western morality, i.e. don’t kill civilians or children, don’t destroy holy sites, don’t fight during holiday seasons, don’t bomb cemeteries, don’t shoot until they shoot first because it is immoral. The only way to fight a moral war is the Jewish way: Destroy their holy sites. Kill men, women and children (and cattle). The first Israeli prime minister who declares that he will follow the Old Testament will finally bring peace to the Middle East”. Source

Wow…that is amazingly awful. Where was this guy? Golan Heights? Gaza settlements? Jerusalem?  Nope…St.Paul Minnesota. Ugh. Thanks to Pharyngula for bringing this to my attention. Patrick OUT!!!



Reaching out to the Muslim World

So our dear leader, President Obama, is trying to make amends with the muslim world…reaching out to Egypt, and Saudi Arabia, Iran and Iraq and saying…we can find common ground and prosper together. I’m gonna go ahead and call bullshit on this one. I categorically do not believe that the United States will ever be able to see eye to eye with the governments (not necessarily the people) of these countries so long as they espouse sharia or sharia insprired law. Furthermore, its not just that we aren’t able to see eye to eye its that we shouldn’t see eye to eye on these things.

Don’t get me wrong, I totally get that we need oil from these people so we need to play nice but all the platitudes in the world about “Islam: the relgion of peace” are total bull. When it comes down to it, Islam now is stuck where Christianity was hundreds of years back and Judaism was before them. No ability to see beyond their own dogma or to relent on even the slightest issue, I mean these people still want to punish apostasy with DEATH (even here in the US). Any country that practices stoning under any circumstance should be immediately cut off from foreign aid from the US. Furthermore, people in this country need to wake up and realize that the moral relativism that lets them sleep at night is CRAP. Seriously…some things are right and some things are WRONG and sharia law is wrong.

If we as a country want to really have that moral high ground we always claim to have we need to do a lot of things (stop torturing prisoners, forget capital punishment, etc.) and we need to call a duck and duck when we see it. Vandalism and riots in the streets over some poorly done comics in Denmark…yea, that’s crazy. Anyone who thinks that was justified needs to have their head checked. Whats really insulting? Seeing women in Afghanistan walking around with their whole bodies covered all the time and being forced to walk behind their husbands. It pisses me off so much that I think I’m going to go burn some cars in protest. Oh wait, I’m not gonna do that…because I’m not clinging to some ass backwards painfully outdated dogmatic approach to life that prescribes violent acts against fellow human beings for even the slightest misstep. Patrick OUT!!!

OK, I’m not really that mad…but seriously, enough is enough

Something for you to ponder

A little delay in posting here…just too much to do. While I get back on track with blog updates, the link below will take you to an excellent piece on the intersection of science and literary cultures and their potential disdain for one another. Its really quite good. A little long perhaps but well worth the time if you want to get some insight into the western academic traditions. Make yourself some tea and read carefully. And if you want to understand me you can pretty much look at C.P. Snow in this piece