I know at least a few of you are probably expecting a Michael Jackson/ Farrah Fawcett post. Not gonna happen. I will say I appreciate both of their respective talents but also have serious problems with the way they lived their lives and the examples they set. On to other things.
Ed Yong over at “Not Exactly Rocket Science,” is perhaps my favorite science blogger (a close second would be PZ Myers over at Pharyngula), and he wrote a really excellent piece analyzing a paper on why some female seed beetles (as a side note: I continually incorrectly spell this as “beatles”…damn you fab four!) actually prefer inferior males. So this should be pretty striking stuff because evolutionary theory says this probably shouldn’t happen. We should be destined to pick the best mates possible and in this case it seems that might not be the case. One might say this was a unique phenomenon in the animal world…I don’t think it is. What other species you ask? Ah…the oft studied…H. sapiens.
Women of this species in fact routinely favor inferior males for their exploits…these males are often known categorized as a sub-species…H.sapiens douchbagerus (HSD). HSDs are often characterized in large group of similar individuals and have been known to inhabit casinos, frat houses, and the jersey shoreline. They can be positively identified through conspicuously popped-up collars (sometimes multiple collars for the alpha-male HSDs) and a talent for any number of drinking games (I never understood drinking games…why do you need a game? If you want to play a game why don’t we play monopoly…we can drink at the same time if it suits you). Lesser HSDs often trail greater HSDs trying to imitate their behaviors and manner of personal adornment. Otherwise reasonable females have been known to prefer HSDs, often mistaking them for suitable mates…at least until the next morning. This strange evolutionary phenomenon has been postulated to be a direct effect of over consumption of alcohol and the aggrandizement of a lack-luster high school sports career.
Researchers unsure if they are looking at a member of the HSDs should look for the following signs. “Tribal” tattoos are often used between HSDs to identify one another. Excessively clean Jeep Wrangler (seriously…if you have a wrangler and its not dirty…you didn’t need a wrangler and you are probably a douche). Gold chain necklace (unless you got real ice and grillz to go with it…leave that shit at home). Live strong bracelet. For those in the new England area, the fake boston accent…we all know you’re actually from Winchester and not from Southie.
If you encounter an HSD in the wild the first thing you should do is leave the bar you’re in. Check yourself and your friends to make sure that none of you has been contacted by an HSD already (they breed like ZOMBIES) and quickly exit the bar (where else would you see them?). Go someplace that doesn’t have PBR and a continous stream of O.A.R. or DMB and call yourself a man. Patrick OUT!!!