Times are Tough

With the economy on the rocks major corporations are trying to cut corners as best they can. For some that means the lay-offs of thousands of employees or cutting back on company travel, for others it means giving out large bonuses to employees who ran said corporations into the ground (thanks AIG). In an age of telecommuters, VPNs, and instant messaging…the office has become a bit passé. Companies have figured out that people just don’t need the office anymore…they can work from home and still do their jobs. This has become remarkably common but some firms are a bit slow to catch on and realize the gains that are involved with eliminating the buildings those employees used to work in. In light of that, at least one major American company is taking a decidedly different approach to cost-saving. Inside sources (the first and only time I can say that here) tell me that a new study is underway in real-estate utilization. The study will use state of the art Posterior Indexing Super Sensitive Employee Determination (PISSED) technology.

In short, every seat will have a sensor fitted to it to determine if someone is sitting in it or not. Keep in mind…this isn’t measuring productivity whilst in said seat but rather just if you are sitting in it. Data will be collected over a period of weeks to determine if sites are being utilized fully and if consolidation of space is possible (i.e. are there empty chairs). I’m no expert in space utilization but to me it seems that they are walking down a road towards corporate musical chairs wherein an office as just enough chairs for almost everyone but they leave a couple less than the number of people to account for those just standing around. Get up to go to the bathroom and DAMN someone just stole your workstation. Coffee break near the watercooler…better wheel your chair down the hall with you or you’ll be standing the rest of the day. Ahhh…can’t you just feel the cost savings rolling in. I kind of wonder if ALL the seats will have sensors in them. Will the lobby benches have sensors, maybe to measure wait times like at McDonalds. How about the toilet seats so that you can get a better sense of the gastrointestinal health of your employees? If I was working there, I’d be investing in about 150 lbs of sand and putting that right onto my chair 24/7…think of how dedicated I would seem…no lunch break…no sleep…beat that. Patrick OUT!!!